I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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