I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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