Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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