On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
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He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
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This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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