It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
