The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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