Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
