I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
