Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
