There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
