Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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