I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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