Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
