I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
