So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
