the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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