The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
