Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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