Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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