update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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