Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
