i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
