Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
