He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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