How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
