You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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