I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
