When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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