his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
