nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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