wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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