I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You pole danced in your parka.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
