Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
