if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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