If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
