I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
