i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
