i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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