last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
