The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
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She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
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I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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