I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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