you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
