Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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