1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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