in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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