i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
