remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
