i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
