this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
