Your face is a jimmy john
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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