I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
