my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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