my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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