All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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