I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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